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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First off, I’m late. Classic me. I rush outta my place, nearly trip over my own feet. I grab a coffee from that little café on Terrace Road. You know the one? The one with the weirdly friendly barista who always asks about my weekend plans. I’m like, “Mate, I’m a warden. My weekend plans are usually Netflix and avoiding human interaction.” But I smile and nod, ‘cause I’m polite like that.

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